Tech Failures

Hey folks,

My laptop power adapter is looking like it's wholly dead now. I probably won't be able to update until I get a new adapter, and that will be coming from Hong Kong once I purchase it.

Alas.

See ya on the flip side.

Slacking

Well, friends, t seems I've been slacking a little lately. Missed last night's blog update on account of being tired, and I missed tonight's walk on account of eating too late. It's funny how easy it is to get off of being disciplined.

And sadly, I've seen the results of that a lot lately. I have so much schoolwork to get caught up on or otherwise on top of. Which is what I'm doing right now.

Which is why I'm going to go now. I'll try to write an awesome post tomorrow. I saw Surrogates a day or two ago, and it will serve as a great source for my next post.

The Nice Guy

Hello. My name is Kenny, and I'm a lifelong nice guy. You know me, that guy who does anything he can to make your life just a little bit better. That guy who you overlook nine times out of ten, that's me.

I'll stop before I further offend or mislead you. See, this isn't a post meant to complain about being a nice guy. This isn't a post meant to cause you to look at me, and other guys like me, in a different light (though this would hardly be a bad thing for far too many people, whether or not you are one of them). This isn't a post meant to get you to praise me for the sacrifices I make.

None of these things are what this post is about. It is true that I am all too easily overlooked or taken for granted, but there's a reason for that. The "nice guy gene" seems hardwired into me; I don't think I could help but care about you to the extent that I do, nor could I help but go out of my way to do things for you even when I know you won't even notice how much it takes for me to do such things.

But the challenge is in the fact that I know no other way to live. Even if I could change the way I live, I don't think I would want to. Sure, I've been pushed aside in every aspect of life (be it vocational, education, or, especially, relational) because I set myself up to serve instead of be served; I care instead of demanding that I be cared for.

Make no mistake, experience has shown time and time again that the adage "Nice guys finish last" is very, very true. I can't count the number of times I thought it would be worth changing who I am to get ahead. I've never been able to understand why girls are almost always attracted to self-centered jerks yet never see the nice guys as potentially being anything more than friends (which is not to say that they do not value said friendships). I'll be forthright, I've found the temptation to fight my nice guy nature to become a jerk just to gain a girl's notice. The same goes for work and school situations.

But I've never done that. Maybe I just don't have the strength to overcome my nature; I won't rule that possibility out. However, I'd much prefer to think that it's because, at some subconscious level, I don't think it a good idea to change myself from being the nice guy to being the jerk (an archetype I loathe) just to reach an end. I don't think I would ultimately find satisfaction in something I had to change my very essence to achieve.

Which isn't to say that there may not be any places where I'm too passive, or even too forgiving (if such a thing is possible), but being a nice guy is core to my character. It's something I simply have to live with and accept the results of it. It can be painful at times, infuriating at others, but I ultimately don't want to give up being a nice guy.

So I find hope in something someone once said to me: "The nice guy finishes best."

It's a crazy concept. To a Christian like myself, it shouldn't be a totally foreign one (as it reflects the Beatitudes as preached by Jesus in the Gospel of Matthew), but it remains a revolutionary concept.

Experience shows this claim to be as equally true as the one before. True, being a nice guy may have cost me chances at promotions or relationships, and the pain of those things is real, but there is satisfaction in knowing that I did things my way (which, I would like to think, means with honor, integrity, and charity). Being taken advantage of by friends sucks, and it does hurt, but knowing that I could continue to serve and show my love for my friends in this respect anyway makes it oddly worthwhile. (Though I certainly wouldn't mind if you all were a little more aware of the way you treat nice guys.)

So I do find peace in this. Sure, it may not be as easy to be a nice guy, it may not be as fun or enjoyable, it may take a lot longer to get what I want, but it is ultimately more rewarding and satisfactory. And that, to me, makes it worthwhile.


In lighter news, I tried running tonight a couple times during my evening walk. I didn't make it far, but I didn't have any asthma-like shortness of breath, and I recovered from the running faster than I used to. This is great stuff, indeed! Also, for the first time in a million years, I actually bought a candy bar. Oh man. Butterfingers are so good it's crazy.

Getting Back On Track

I love puns. I really do. I'm writing this as a sequel of sorts to a former post titled "Falling Off Track." That post used the real-world example of walking around the track here at school to make a point. Fittingly enough, this post is doing the same.

See, I said a short while back that I had been walking on a nightly basis for exercise, enjoyment, and entertaining others (I needed a third e-word). Walking was a habit I set out to create. I had to keep doing it night after night in order to make sure that I would build a body memory and continue to do so in the days to come. Then I got sick and couldn't walk for a week or so.

I started again two or three nights ago. I missed last night on account of studying for a midterm, but tonight I was out there on the track again. It felt great, but even more important than that is the fact that I was back at working on building a good habit.

With this comes another realization: Doing good things isn't always easy, immediately rewarding, or going to result in feeling great. Still, things like longterm health are worth working for despite these things.

Likewise, spiritual habits follow a similar pattern. I know I need to work on developing a habit of regular, extra-curricular Bible study, for example. I could make excuses. I could justify myself. I could do a lot of things, but there's really no point. There is something better that I could realistically, feasibly be doing. There's no need to further focus on what hasn't been true when I can be focused on making things better now.

I'm not fond of dwelling on the past (be the past good or bad) beyond learning from it in order to improve the future in the way I live and think now.

Progress

So, it seems already progress is being made in some significant places.

First of all, chapel today was awesome. One of my professors was the speaker, which he did not know about until last night, and it reaffirmed things I had been thinking through over the last week or so. It really drove home for me (not necessarily directly) my thoughts on being uncompromising (in terms of righteousness, that is) and the need to totally follow God.

Now, I'm talking with my man Caleb about starting a Christian hardcore band. Yeah. Things are looking good so far. Time will tell where this goes, but I'm excited. We've got a lot of the same tastes, and the same ideas on songwriting. Just need my guitar gear here so I can get started on more writing.

There are other interesting things, too, but that will have to wait. I need sleep.

Back for More

Two nights in a row, I've been up far too late. This time, I didn't go to sleep until after seven in the morning. That was a brilliant move. Actually, it was really good times, and it was productive, too. Unfortunately, I got less than five hours of sleep because of this (even with the help of Tylenol PM). Alas. The things I do.

Lately, I've been feeling the desire more and more to join or start a band. I'm especially fond of the idea of starting a heavy rock or melodic metal style band, but mostly I just want to make and perform music.

Tonight, I present to you a work in progress lyric. So far, I have two verses and a turnaround. I'll pick up on the chorus, third verse, breakdown, and whatever else I feel the need to add. This is the first of my metal projects. Music won't be able to begin until I get my guitar gear shipped here in the near future, but lyrics and ideas are a good start.

Without further ado, check it out.

Though you were damned
You have been saved
Though you were lost
I paved the way
My blood was shed
My body slain
I paid the price
You could not pay

Have you forgotten
What led you here?

Grace of the Father
Now manifested
Poured out upon Me
Wrath uncontested
All this for you
And willingly
I laid down My life
So you could see

Woooooow

I was up late last night. 4:30 by my time. I then woke up at 9:30 to go to church. I got stood up for that... and was back asleep by 11:00 or so. I then slept until 2:00 or so.

It's been a crazy day. I spent most of it at, or getting to/from, New Smyrna Beach for Current, a monthly night of praise at a church out there. Two bands played tonight. One was a Hispanic band with an awesome lead guy. The other band is the band that two of my roommates play in.

I've unofficially become their sound guy since I have formal experience in such matters, and their tech, while nice and wanting to learn, has little experience in it. Tonight was an outdoor gig (it was crazy cold), and it was my first outdoor gig. I still don't enjoy having thirty people trying to tell me how to do my job, but I'm pretty used to it (not sure why everyone thinks they're qualified to tell the sound guy how to do his job when they don't tell the guitarists how to do theirs... it's rather degrading). I digress, though. Mixing outside was awesome. The night sounded fantastic overall, and it felt good to be doing something significant.

Which leads me to another consideration. I'm admittedly not a strong supporter of "go to church every Sunday" so long as doing that is done simply for its own sake. The arguments made for going to church every week, in my experience, aren't actually supported by going to church every week in practice. Unfortunate, that.

Still, as I feel like I'm meant to be a part of formal ministry, I know now more than ever that I should get legitimately involved with a local church instead of visiting churches from time to time and helping out with special events when they come up. So, this week, my project is to find a church to legitimately plug in with. I don't know yet what I want to plug in with (music, tech, discipleship, leadership, etc.).

It'll be interesting to see what happens. God only knows. I'm kinda hoping to plug in with a music ministry because I love music so much, but the future still lies ahead of me.

Upon Further Reflection

So, along with being sick all this week, and being left to myself, I've had a lot of time to think through a lot of things. Sure, I've had to be careful about how much weight I give this reflection, having had some mild delirium most of this week and all, but there've been some thoughts rolling around in my mind that make a lot of sense.

See, I've been thinking about what will come after I finish up here at Florida Christian College in a year and a half. That's a year and a half away, and God only knows what will happen between now and then, but I'm starting to feel like I'm going to end up back in the Northwest when I'm done here.

It's funny. I've absolutely loved it here in Florida. I haven't missed the Northwest at all. It's where I've spent most of my life, but it doesn't exactly feel like "home" to me. Then again, neither does Florida or even my much loved Texas. Maybe it's possible that (subconsciously) I just don't consider any earthly dwelling to be "home." That's kind of cool, really.

But I digress from where I was going with this. See, as I think I've mentioned here (or on one of my Facebook Notes), I have this feeling that I'm intended for formal ministry. Realistically, the Northwest is least churched region in America. Then, like I said, it's where I've spent most of my life. This gives me a natural, firsthand understanding of the culture. If I were to return, I think I would also be fulfilling the aspect of the Great Commission that says "go into all the world."

Moreover, I've seen a lot of things go wrong with ministers' hands are anywhere near ministry money. Because of that, I've more or less decided that I don't want to be a paid minister even if I minister formally. Unless if God reveals this to be a pride issue (though I really don't think it is since I'm wanting to follow in the apostle Paul), my goal is to make a living through traditional means.

The added bonus to the Northwest is that I'm a formally educated computer guy (complete with degree), employed general tech guy, and, above all, I really do want to do something significant with music (and feel that God has given me musical talents for more than just my own enjoyment and occasional music leading for church functions). The Northwest is home of a great deal of technology-driven businesses, and, though I'm not particularly artsy, the culture is well suited to rising musicians. Which makes me say "Hmm. This actually makes a lot of sense."

To top it all off, I still very much plan on going to seminary. The more I think about seminary, though, the more I wonder if I really do need to go to Dallas Theological Seminary. Yes, I would love to go there. Yes, it is probably the most influential school in the reformed sector of Christianity. However, do I need to go there to accomplish God's intentions for me, or do I want to go there for the sake of going to what I consider to be the most prestigious seminary option for my purposes?

There's nothing wrong with going to a prestigious school, and the education there would be phenomenal, but would it excel significantly beyond an education elsewhere? Is it possible that God's purposes for me could just as soon be achieved with Master's work through another seminary? I'm inclined to say that the latter is likely to be true. As I see my student loans piling up for my Bachelor's degree, and I know that I could get into a completely legitimate seminary in the Northwest for a much lower price tag, financial responsibility starts to become a consideration.

Ah, but that's all that these things are right now: Considerations. I'm not saying that I will definitely be returning to the Northwest for good in a year and a half. However, I am saying that I'm not bent on staying here. I'll go where God leads, and the possibility of that being back to the Northwest is starting to look reasonable and even likely.

That's the latest in the mind of Kenny.

Woo Boy!

It's been a sick week. No. Literally. I've been sick almost all week. Since I don't think many-a-Florida Christian College students actually read my blog, I guess I'll go ahead and let this little piece of intel slip: I was diagnosed with the swine flu Wednesday afternoon via a phone consultation with my doctor back home.

I haven't outrightly said this on my Facebook because creating a panic is rarely a good thing. I'd have a great deal of fun creating such a panic, but my makeshift conscience (a friend of mine who can play the voice of reason when need be) said not to do it. Oh well.

Probably for the better that I didn't trust my own reasoning. See, Tuesday morning is when I got sick; from Tuesday night 'til now, I've been living under the influence of delirium. The sensation of being amped is annoying, but I've been looking on the bright side of my situation and enjoying the chaotic nature of being in a delirious state. Seriously, you may not realize this about me, but I have a filter on most of what I say. It's not that everything I say would be profane or anything without it (though that may be true to some extent), but I have a knack for using words nobody else does, referring to concepts that are only loosely connected to the subject at hand but somehow make complete sense to me, or just doing something entirely off the wall. The filter keeps me seeming more normal during daytime hours (it fades as the night goes on), but under the influence of the delirium, that filter disappeared.

Facebook statuses? Random posts on forums? Conversations? All chaotic. Funny as funny gets, but rarely reasonable. I went to far as to accuse a friend of being "a part of the Rebel Alliance and a traitor!" when the context gave no justification for that claim.

But I could digress into insanity all night. It'd be a ton of fun, but you'd spend half an hour reading this and wondering why you started. Instead, let me say this: It has truly been a crazy week. Swine flu alone would be bad times, but then you've gotta add in headache after headache with my bank (which had to be tended to while sick), a group presentation that I worked on but didn't get credit for since I wasn't part of the presentation proper, and other stuff, too.

But it's actually not all bad. I've found ways to look on the bright side of things. Delirium made matters fun, but I could find good lessons and stuff even within all this muck. Example: Swine flu. It sucks. Straight up. I've locked myself in my room to keep others from getting it. Still, I realized something important.

See, the week or so before getting sick, I was out walking at least a mile every night on the track (some days, I walked as much as ten miles within the day). Good stuff. I felt great. I felt myself getting into a better physical condition. Then I got sick.

And yet, the sickness taught me something. While I was working on getting into shape, I was starting to put stock in my own physique. Nothing wrong with being in shape (it's actually a good thing to do for many reasons), but the all-too-easily-attained thought of "I can take on the world" was starting to get to me. This sickness reminded me that my body is fallible, even when it is well-kept. Once again, I realized that I can make the most of myself, but I can't ultimately rely on myself or view myself as untouchable. It just doesn't work.

So yeah, life's been crazy this week. With any luck, the next week will be better, but we'll see how playing catchup goes.

Falling Off Track

Aaaaah. Today's been fun.

And in this case, I mean that in the most sarcastic tone possible.

What made today so awesome, you ask? I took quite ill. Fever, chills, heaving, the works. Signs of the flu? I hope not, but I ain't ruling it out yet.

I spent most of today in bed, missing a class and other things along the way.

But here's what I realized from being sick that got me most: I wasn't able to go walking tonight.

It's not that I'm an exercise fiend. It's not that my life depends on walking constantly. These things couldn't be farther from the truth.

The reality is that I know it'd be all too easy for me to think nothing of "I can't walk tonight; I'm sick." Yeah, that's a legitimate fact and reason not to do it. The thing is... it throws off my work to create a physical habit, perhaps even an addiction to exercising regularly.

And I know how easy it is for me to throw out good things like walking if I don't drive myself with extreme discipline (which does not come naturally for me).

This same behavior carries over to other things in life. Things like getting homework done, spending time with people that need it, giving God His due, and so on.

I gotta push myself in discipline if I wanna be consistent in this. How about you? Got anything you should be disciplining yourself in?

End of an Era

Folks... we've reached the end of an age.

Wait... that sounds like a big deal; it may sound like I'm going to go on about something political or philosophical, but I'm not.

See, I finally got my hands on World of Warcraft today. I haven't played much at all because I've been busy talking with people and stuff, but uh... if the rumors are true... whatever illusion of a social life that I have had is about to disappear.

Yeah... I just lost a solid fifteen minutes between the last paragraph and this. My focus isn't wholly on WoW, but I can see that it will be an addiction. Yeaaaaah. Gotta make sure I maintain real, meaningful friendships and not let my grades take a hit.

If I can balance those things as I have balanced many others, then I'll be good.

If not... Nick, you can have my guitar stuff when I die.

It's Late

So... it's come to my attention that I sound a lot different at night than during the day. I think the "night Kenny" may actually be closer to "real Kenny" than "day Kenny" is.

What's the difference? During the day, I have some appearance of normalcy about me. I am more or less understandable when I talk. I don't do crazy things. I keep it pretty chill.

At night? None of that. There's nothing normal about me. My vocabulary takes a huge shift. I go from the common tongue to using a bunch of bizarre words that maybe one in twenty of you are familiar with. Why? I have no idea. Stuff just gets stuck in my head, and I guess it all comes out at night.

Also... at night... my "that's a stupid idea" sense pretty much shuts off. Suddenly, things like "Let's just race to the beach, then build a giant sandcastle and throw a pizza party" make perfect sense.

Yeah. The night is weird. I like it, but it's a totally different world.

It's nice to live in both day and night.

Building Consistency

Yeah... so it's technically Friday, but I'm still functioning as if it's Thursday. I wanna remember to update this blog regularly, so I'm writing now. I have nothing incredibly profound to share, but I'll speak all the same.

See, just as this post is not a huge deal in itself, it serves the purpose of developing a habit. Habits are tricky. The good ones are a lot of work to make, and the bad ones are even more work to break. Still, here I am, starting a new habit.

Yes, blogging can be a habit. However, it is not the only habit I'm starting.

Since Monday, I've been making it a point to spend time walking on the track (or paved loop) here at school. I've done at least an hour of walking every day since then. That's pretty sweet.

Today, I walked six or so miles during the day. I would have been just fine in terms of getting daily exercise in. Still, in effort develop this habit, I ended up walking another couple-few miles around the track tonight.

It was good, too. Seriously, I love walking. People think I'm crazy, but I really enjoy it. It feels good to be self-propelled... without the assistance of any machine. Then there's the chemical "feels good" factor that comes with exercise, and I love that, too.

Tonight's walk even had company, and that made things better yet. I mean... the company alone was awesome, but then I think about this in terms of bringing other people into my new habit formation? Yeah... that's awesome.

I feel so good right now. I'm exhausted. Waking up in the morning is going to suck, but I still feel good about this.

And I'm gonna be losing weight in short order.

Don't Give Up!

I haven't totally forgotten about this blog. Wait... yes I have. Then my roommate was talking about blogs and stuff, and I realized "Shoot! It's been a long time since I've written a blog post."

I should get back into blogging more. It'd be good. I think it'd help me process things happening in my day to day life, but I'd also be able to entertain and maybe even educate you along the way.

Right now... I'm talking with a friend who is on the edge of giving up on a project. It is late, so that's completely understandable, but I can't help but see this as an instance of a common thing.

We get drained. We get tired. We push ourselves too hard and reach a point of collapse. But it seems to me that in these times... we are so close to reaching our goals. So close that the goal is nearly tangible.

And somehow... through force of will... through grace of God... we can actually reach that goal sometimes.

So... do you have a goal that seems just out of reach? Are you on the edge of collapse?

I won't give you a hard time if you do give up, but take it from the guy who's been there too many times to count: Don't give up! You can pull these things off. It may not be easy, but it's probably worth it.

You got this.